Trusting, pleading, seeking...

This mama's heart...

When my son, Graham, starts to get "upset" (aka: whiny) because he doesn't get his lunch as quickly as his hungry belly wants....my mind instantly goes to the many orphans around this world that stop whining because the food never comes or it's never enough to satisfy. 

My heart hurts. 

Maybe this is a constant reminder of the burden in my heart to want to do more for the least of these...

And.

While I do not understand the wait.

I can not lose heart.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  -John 16:33

It's hard to blog...

...when you wish you had something more to say than more of the same.

But, I pull up our adoption blog and see that 2 months have passed since my last entry. 

Ugh.

2 more months of nothingness here.

At least nothingness is what it feels like inside sometimes.

This past weekend, Scott and I went on a leader retreat with our church. There was a part during the weekend that our pastor taught about life's struggles. He then asked others to share in a moment of lamenting. To which I opened my mouth and the words stumbled out..."our adoption journey, why the wait is sooooo long". And our pastor replied, "Take Heart". 

Take heart? The dictionary states it means to gain courage. Courage...yes, it definitely takes courage to walk this path. For me, I might say my faith has definitely wavered from time to time. From one day to the next, week to week and month to month. Albeit, year to year. 

I happened to pull up our adoption video today. Not sure what made me do it. Mikaela, our summer roommate from a local college, was sitting with me and I wanted to share it with her. Our kids faces look so young. This Fall, it will be 2 years since we did that video. Click if you would like to view it: SNODGRASS ADOPTION VIDEO

2 years.

I will be honest, my eyes rolled and I felt some anger swell up inside as I thought of that number. 

2 years. And what has happened???

But...

this past weekend I was able to shed a few tears with a sister in Christ who is also waiting for a child thru adoption. She confided in me that she has grown tired in this journey. I felt her pain. I FEEL her pain. 

Romans 12:15

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

But...

this past weekend, our pastor prayed over all of us in our church body going thru the adoption journey. He prayed strong words to our Lord. 

James 5:13

"Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful, let him sing praise."

But...

this past weekend, I was reminded that we are not alone. Others are going thru this exact same struggle. And it is GOOD to carry one another's burdens. 

Galatians 6:2

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

But...

He is still God. And I am still His child.

Ephesians 1:5

"He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

But...

we continue to wait on The Lord and His plan for our family.

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Interestingly enough...as I was blogging and referring back to scripture to capture my heart in certain moments above, they were rather random - Googling verses for each. God certainly does work in mysterious ways...as He lead me to Psalm as I was ending my blog post to remind me to "TAKE HEART".

1 Samuel. And my mentor.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." ~1 Samuel 1: 27-28

I met with my mentor today. She's a wonderful woman in so many ways. Mostly I love the way she loves Jesus and pursues Him with all her heart. She pours into so many. She loves with a love that can only come from The Lord. And, she has taken the time to meet with me regularly, so I can gain wisdom from such a Godly woman.

Now, she would say she just loves getting together with others (yes, even me). It's who she is, but truth be told, there are only so many hours to each day. And as much as we would like to spend time with tons of people, that just isn't possible. So, I recognize how valuable time is and I am thankful she gives me some of hers.

I listen. I ask questions. She challenges me in my walk as a wife, mother, daughter of the King. We laugh. Share secrets. I soak up as much as I can in our short - monthly - window of time together. And I do not take it for granted.

She has been sending me scripture she is reading/studying. One being 1 Samuel. She educated me that many women in the Bible "waited" on The Lord for a child. Their wait was always fulfilled with a child, but not just any child. A child that had a heart for God. And a wait of patience that molded the women into who God desired them to be. Because no wait comes without teachable moments, without a molding of our inner selves.

Today, as we sat outside St. Louis Bread Company...it was warm, but we were shaded by the table umbrella. There was a slight breeze that made it feel just about perfect sitting outside (well, other than this one bug that just didn't want to leave me alone). ;) There is something about the outside...you just feel a little closer to the Creator of it all. Today, we opted for waters (instead of our usual coffee) and the conversation past quickly, soaring like the soft breeze beside us. So easy, so natural. She's one of a kind, that's for sure.

She read aloud to me the first chapter in 1 Samuel. I had recently read it and it was good to hear it again. With additional insight as she read through the verses.

In the end, she knows what I am feeling to long for this child. She, too, longed for a child. She knows the sadness and the pain in trying to be patient as you watch the clock tick all the while. 

"Don't miss today, don't miss what's in front of you right now." This is what she told me. While all of us can say everything happens for a reason...we can also all admit that it doesn't sometimes come with some regrets or those "I wish I had done this instead..." At some point along her journey, she had to completely give it over to God. And she did. By His grace, she did. And she was more joyful because of it.

A lot for this mama to ponder. Have I given it to The Lord? Have I "truly" given this to The Lord? I pray. Every single day, I pray. But is my prayer in line with His will for my life? For our household? 

When you are in this process for as long as we have been, you can't help but wonder. You can't help, but question things. "You only need to answer to Jesus". This was her reminder to me. Not to anyone else. Just Him.

My heart is weary. My heart is heavy tonight. My heart has a tug for the orphan that has always been and I believe will always be. But, what does God want me to do with this tug? My desire is to give this to Him. Lord,please hear the cry of my heart ... where you lead, I shall go.

Through the lives of others...

...my heart can be joyful during my wait.

I am grateful to know of and be a small part of two other families going through two very different journeys, yet similar too.

One, going through the foster system to adopt. They were recently not chosen as parents to a sibling group. I can only imagine the heart ache from that call. My heart ached for them. And all the while, the "almost-soon-to-be" mom didn't express her sadness, she expressed her joy that these children now had a forever family. That, is sacrificial. That, is amazing. Who knew about a week later they would get another call selecting them and only them as potential parents for another sibling pair. This precious little boy (4) and girl (2) will be coming to their new home THIS week. The only thing that could stop this from becoming permanent is a court decision made by a judge in about a month. Even knowing that, this couple is grateful to be able to love on these beautiful children of our Lord until he takes them away. I am in awe of their faith and strength. And today, I am filled with joy for this family.

Another, has 3 bio little girls at home already, but has felt called to adopt. They are in the process of adopting a little boy from Bulgaria. He has Down syndrome. Oh how this touches my heart on a whole new level. When I hear the phrase "the least of these", THIS is exactly who I think of and tears fill my eyes as they are yet again right now, typing this. This family IS doing something, they listened and now are fulfilling their call to take care of the least of these. The family got word today that they will be traveling late this month to pick him up. Joy fills my heart.

My heart is filling back up. I go thru ebb and flows, high and lows. God is gracious and He is constantly reminding me of the work He is doing thru His children. Thank you, Lord, for these precious reminders that I need so dearly. 

I do not understand our wait, but I am thankful to see more orphans being welcomed into forever families.

My post on FaceBook yesterday: 

Waiting for you...

Out of the mouths of babes...

Water to drink.

Toys to play with.

A school to go to.

A bedroom to share.

Clothes.

And shoes.

And when God rings the door bell and "she" opens the door, her heart will explode because she will be so happy.

.....these were Adeline's exact words in a recent conversation about our child we plan to adopt.

Obviously, Adeline hopes and prays for a sister because she REALLY wants to share a bedroom. Maybe one day she will change her mind there. I know from experience, sharing a bedroom isn't all that fun a lot of the times! ;)

But, to hear her heart...it melts this mama's heart.

Daddy, Mommy and Sister are praying without ceasing for God to open the doors, to reveal to us who our child will be, to bring them to our family.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28

Today, I cried for "Hero"

Who is "Hero"?

There are many words I can use to describe Hero...

A little girl.

Sweet.

An orphan.

Lovely.

An extra 21st chromosome.

Darling.

A stranger.

Angelic.

A child of God.


I realize that doesn't quite tell you who "Hero" is and why I cried for her today...

There is a website I found quite a while back & have been drawn to ever since: Reece's Rainbow. 

Their mission:

The mission of Reece’s Rainbow is to advocate and find families for orphans with Down syndrome and other special needs by raising funds for adoption grants and promoting awareness through an online community, media communications, and other events.

I find myself 'pulling' up this website from time to time as my heart is 'pulled' in a million directions seeing the faces of these sweet, little children. ALL orphans in need of a forever family.

One day, only a couple weeks ago, I stumbled across a pic that 'pulled' me closer. I kept looking at her, showed her picture to my husband. I kept the window up on my PC so I could quickly look back when I wanted to. This window stayed up for days.

I don't know why God put this little girl on my heart. A girl I had never met, probably half way around the world from me. But, He did. I pulled up Reece's Rainbow today so I could steal a peek at her again, but she was no where to be found. I didn't see her in the waiting children. I was hopeful she was chosen by a forever family and searched the new commitments, then the home study in progress section, yet still no sign of her.

I couldn't just let it go...

So, I pulled up the contact button and sent an email inquiring about this little girl. To my surprise, the founder of RR actually emailed me back just a little while later...

...she died. 

Her name was "Hero".

And I sit here writing as tears flow once again.

For a beautiful little girl, that never had a family, or a mommy or daddy to hold her and tell her just how beautiful she was. 

My heart is so heavy.

Later, I will smile and be thankful that she is in our Savior's arms and suffer no more. No more will she not feel the love of a father, because she IS with her Father.

But, today, I ache and am burdened for the orphans of this world. For the "Heros" of this world. For Hero, specifically.

I looked up "Hero" in the dictionary and this is what I read: 

'a person, who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities'

Hero, you truly are my hero...

My heart is heavy...

Dear Lord,

My soul is in need of your water for nourishment. My heart is so heavy during this wait. 

Fill me up with your love for it is my desire to praise you while we continue to stay in the hallway.

I beg for the next door to open.

God, if there is a different path you want us on while on this journey, please reveal that to us NOW.

My heart continues to be burdened for the orphans. Why must it take so long for us???

Love,
Your Daughter 

Mixed emotions...

I have been putting off writing a post for a little while now.

Truth be told, I have been "going thru some stuff"...in my head, that is.

Processing, trying to understand and/or make sense of our wait. Does it make sense? Um, no. Actually, let me change that to all caps...NO! To me, it doesn't make any sense at all.

During our adoption journey, I have met some wonderful people. One in particular, is a sweet woman from TN. She (her family) has adopted a couple times and is now in the process of adopting again. I am so very happy for her family, so very, very happy for this little boy in China who will soon have a forever family. But, I would be lying to you, to myself, if I said I was only happy. Hearing this news struck a chord deep inside that hurt.

It - really - hurt.

Another reminder of our wait and not understanding why. I broke down with sadness. An aching for the child or children that we still do not know. A very deep heart ache.

Confused. I reached out to a sweet friend of mine that I had recently learned of her family's desire to foster. I guess I thought she might be able to relate to how I was feeling, just a little bit. She listened. She encouraged. She pointed it back to Jesus, just like I knew she would. But, she said something that stood out to me. She told me to take it to God, to let Him know exactly how I felt and what I was going thru - whether that meant crying, yelling, pleading or all of the above. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that.

This same friend lent me a book to read, "love story" by Nicole Nordeman. I read the chapter she requested, "Job" and was captivated. "Who are we to demand explanations from God? But what if Job is trying to teach us that God grants us every permission to do just that? Because when our grief has wrung us out like a rag and we are left with no more answers than we had at the start, something inside us breaks wide open. The transformation takes place when we scream the unthinkable at the One who loves us most, only to find not rebuke in response but more bottomless love..." (pg. 151)

The author goes on to share a story about a time that her pastor opened up time for personal lament at a church service. They were asked to name their grief out loud, to find Job's voice within and call out to God or call out God.

Did you just see what I wrote? To call out God. For me, maybe it's a sense of fear from within as to how I could think of yelling at the God that can strike me down in an instance. Who am I to question Him?

The stories of lament that were shared lead me to tears as I read them.

"When someone would speak up with a quick disclaimer about how God works all things together for good, the pastor reminded everyone that God didn't need to be left off the hook and we shouldn't feel pressure to wrap up our sorrow in bright-colored ribbons." (pg. 158).

Now I was beginning to understand where my friend was coming from. She said this has changed the way she prays.

"Understanding why we call it a sacrifice of praise. It is sacrificial. It costs a lot to still worship the One who allows the wound. It costs a lot to bless the One who both fills our cups and lets them spill. Who gives, and then without explanation, takes away." (pg 159)

I can't get over that. I have read that many times within that past few days. Shared it with others. And am drawn to read it again.

While I haven't had my "call out God" prayer yet, my heart is stirring as I am learning a new way to pray to our Father as well.

And...

"What if the big take away moment from Abraham and Sarah is not about the delivery room at all? What if, instead, the lessons here is that the real work of faith - the real point of faith - happens in the waiting room? ...Aren't we most attentive and vulnerable here, in that aching gap that lives between the longing and the fulfillment? And really, isn't a lot of life lived there, in the waiting room?" (pg. 30)

...there it is again. Waiting...

A lot of life IS waiting.

God has opened my eyes in a new way since I began reading this book. Amazing how He orchestrates things the way He does. A book written by Nicole Nordeman. A book I would have never picked up in a million years probably. As much as I do love to read, I just don't find much time to do so these days. But God put that book in my dear friend's hands and she was nudged to share it to me. She said if I only had time for one chapter, to read Job. I did. And now I don't want to put the book down.

God and I will be having a heart to heart soon enough.

Today I am grateful that He allows paths to cross with people in our lives just when we need them most.