Minus2...: We celebrated ONE year...

ONE year...

Really, it has already been ONE year?

In some ways it feels like a LOT of years all wrapped up in this first year.

Probably because of all we went thru in the course of just ONE year.

I have been reflecting much on this past year.

The beautiful UPS and countless DOWNS.

Many have the illusion similar to when someone gets married...when your children finally come home after an extremely long and exhausting battle to bring them home that it is "happily ever after."

But the truth is, any one of us who have ever been married know that is SOOOO not true.

After those wedding bells ring, that is when the REAL work comes in.

That is when you start figuring each other out.

That is when you might even start to get on one another's nerves, if you know what I mean? ;)

And the comparison is so very similar here...

When Francis & Jojo came home, we were excited.

Super excited.

There was a huge sense of relief from all the upward battles we fought to bring them home.

And even though we traveled multiple times to see them and did what we could to make contact when we were in country, they came here strangers.

We didn't know them, like one REALLY knows someone.

And they didn't know us either.

We arrived in the US after 30+ hours to travel home.

ALL of us were depleted.

And maybe I was most of all.

But there was no rest for the weary.

I look back and can laugh now at those multiple flights to get home, but the truth is me and Maria were about to lose our ever-loving minds. ;)

And then it begins...

They are home and a new tribe is formed.

No looking back.

THIS IS US.

The NEW Us.

The honeymoon phase lasted all of about a day, maybe 2?

The emotions kick in and life gets hard.

I mean, REALLY hard.

We opted to seclude ourselves in many ways to help with the boy's transition as well as attachment.

It was a lonely time in life, especially for me.

Our older children were in school full time, my husband working and me home with the little boys every day.

It was our choice and I have no regrets to how we handled it, but boy was it tough.

And there are TWO little boys with different needs, different emotions.

The meltdowns start and they don't stop.

By meltdown, I am referring to crying and yelling that would last for minutes to the upwards of an hour or more at one time.

Multiple times each day, sometimes both at the same time.

It seemed as if anything could have triggered a melt down back then.

And the defiance.

Over and over and over again.

One can only take so much, right?

I was beginning to wonder when the God of the Universe would say "enough".

Francis was a flight risk, so even taking him to a park was cause for concern.

But I managed...sometimes with the help of a friend (on rare occasions).

Sometimes by going to a park that was fenced in and I guarded the door like a hawk.

You think I am kidding?

Think again.

Jojo had some major food issues...figuring out a methodology for him didn't come without more meltdowns.

We started Play Therapy quickly and it was a breath of fresh air.

Finally, someone that I could talk to that could see what was going on and be part of the solution for our family.

Graham...

Graham, oh our sweet Graham.

For the first time in his life, we could see sadness in his eyes.

His world, too, had been rocked.

And without a voice, he couldn't share that part with us.

And here I am typing this as tears once again stream down my face.

It is hard to go back there.

Graham was used to having his Daddy all to himself at night.

That would never, ever happen again.

And we couldn't prepare him for what was to come.

The meltdowns...

They would scare Graham so much.

He couldn't anticipate it coming like we could.

So when it happened, it would be like a bunch of fireworks going off 3 feet away from you and you had no idea.

Wouldn't you be scared?

Graham was scared and then he would start crying.

Did I mention there were a whole lotta tears coming from almost everyone's eyes those first few months???

Adeline...

Adeline was a bit more vocal.

So excited to have her brothers come home, praying with us every day for months and months and then to have your home completely disrupted in a way no one can truly prepare you for, hurt her too.

She was emotional.

She shared many times that she missed "the way it used to be."

And as a mama, it can pierce your heart.

Because these 2 little boys, who don't know you and you barely know them, are now your family.

And you wouldn't change that, but dang....the hard that comes from seeing your baby girl cry from the outwardly pain she is feeling inside, tears you up.

My husband...

My husband, God love him, was a rock for me during that time.

Probably to a fault, because the stress took it's toll on him, as well as me.

It's a stress I can't quite put into words.

It strains you in ways you didn't think possible.

Fast forward...

It has been on my heart to write this blog for some time now.

I knew the Lord was drawing me to write.

To let the feelings deep inside of me a way to come out.

For the Lord wanted to talk to me through my own words...

Yes, much was endured, but He wanted to remind me of where we are now.

And where we are now is not where we desire to be, if I were to be completely honest.

BUT...

It is SO far from where we were a year ago.

Francis is no longer a flight risk.

I can take him anywhere and not worry about him running off.

That is HUGE people!

Like REALLY, REALLY HUGE!

Jojo's food concerns are basically gone.

I mean, we are still working with BOTH boys to eat more veggies (because we're a veggie-luvin' family), but they do eat them.....a little reluctantly. ;)

Knowing Jojo's background, again, this is a MAJOR victory!

I know some kids in this situation that are NEVER able to completely get over food issues.

The meltdowns?

They are still there.

BUT...it is NOOOOOO where like it was before.

Defiance?

Sure, I mean they are kids after all.

But again, not all day long, every time I turn around (that is what it felt like a year ago).

The siblings?

There is growth.

There is beautiful moments of the littles playing together.

Of Jojo loving on Graham.

Of Francis wanting his sissy to pray over him before going to bed.

And probably my favorite is when F or J will be doing something with Graham (they enjoy helping him eat) and will yell "mommy, Graham just said 'more'" ...and we all get so excited.

We truly have come so far.

And for that I am grateful.

I was talking to a friend the other day about this and she said hopefully next year you can say the same thing about this year as we are doing about last.

And I couldn't agree more.

Each year, learning and growing and loving and trusting and being more sanctified in this process.

Because adoption is hard, ya'll.

Anyone who says differently is crazy...

The truth is...

Adoption comes with trauma.

And where trauma is involved, there is hurt, there is pain.

And that pain comes out in different ways for all of us.

We're a work in progress.

All of us.

Not just our boys.

And I would choose the hard again because our sons are worth it.

Because the Lord chose me as his daughter and also chose me as Francis' & Jojo's mama.

I feel incapable daily.

But His grace is sufficient.

And we will continue to work on "us".

And the Lord will continue to grow each one of us through this process.

It is beautifully hard.

And it is good...

Our first trip meeting our sons...