I have been putting off writing a post for a little while now.
Truth be told, I have been "going thru some stuff"...in my head, that is.
Processing, trying to understand and/or make sense of our wait. Does it make sense? Um, no. Actually, let me change that to all caps...NO! To me, it doesn't make any sense at all.
During our adoption journey, I have met some wonderful people. One in particular, is a sweet woman from TN. She (her family) has adopted a couple times and is now in the process of adopting again. I am so very happy for her family, so very, very happy for this little boy in China who will soon have a forever family. But, I would be lying to you, to myself, if I said I was only happy. Hearing this news struck a chord deep inside that hurt.
It - really - hurt.
Another reminder of our wait and not understanding why. I broke down with sadness. An aching for the child or children that we still do not know. A very deep heart ache.
Confused. I reached out to a sweet friend of mine that I had recently learned of her family's desire to foster. I guess I thought she might be able to relate to how I was feeling, just a little bit. She listened. She encouraged. She pointed it back to Jesus, just like I knew she would. But, she said something that stood out to me. She told me to take it to God, to let Him know exactly how I felt and what I was going thru - whether that meant crying, yelling, pleading or all of the above. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that.
This same friend lent me a book to read, "love story" by Nicole Nordeman. I read the chapter she requested, "Job" and was captivated. "Who are we to demand explanations from God? But what if Job is trying to teach us that God grants us every permission to do just that? Because when our grief has wrung us out like a rag and we are left with no more answers than we had at the start, something inside us breaks wide open. The transformation takes place when we scream the unthinkable at the One who loves us most, only to find not rebuke in response but more bottomless love..." (pg. 151)
The author goes on to share a story about a time that her pastor opened up time for personal lament at a church service. They were asked to name their grief out loud, to find Job's voice within and call out to God or call out God.
Did you just see what I wrote? To call out God. For me, maybe it's a sense of fear from within as to how I could think of yelling at the God that can strike me down in an instance. Who am I to question Him?
The stories of lament that were shared lead me to tears as I read them.
"When someone would speak up with a quick disclaimer about how God works all things together for good, the pastor reminded everyone that God didn't need to be left off the hook and we shouldn't feel pressure to wrap up our sorrow in bright-colored ribbons." (pg. 158).
Now I was beginning to understand where my friend was coming from. She said this has changed the way she prays.
"Understanding why we call it a sacrifice of praise. It is sacrificial. It costs a lot to still worship the One who allows the wound. It costs a lot to bless the One who both fills our cups and lets them spill. Who gives, and then without explanation, takes away." (pg 159)
I can't get over that. I have read that many times within that past few days. Shared it with others. And am drawn to read it again.
While I haven't had my "call out God" prayer yet, my heart is stirring as I am learning a new way to pray to our Father as well.
And...
"What if the big take away moment from Abraham and Sarah is not about the delivery room at all? What if, instead, the lessons here is that the real work of faith - the real point of faith - happens in the waiting room? ...Aren't we most attentive and vulnerable here, in that aching gap that lives between the longing and the fulfillment? And really, isn't a lot of life lived there, in the waiting room?" (pg. 30)
...there it is again. Waiting...
A lot of life IS waiting.
God has opened my eyes in a new way since I began reading this book. Amazing how He orchestrates things the way He does. A book written by Nicole Nordeman. A book I would have never picked up in a million years probably. As much as I do love to read, I just don't find much time to do so these days. But God put that book in my dear friend's hands and she was nudged to share it to me. She said if I only had time for one chapter, to read Job. I did. And now I don't want to put the book down.
God and I will be having a heart to heart soon enough.
Today I am grateful that He allows paths to cross with people in our lives just when we need them most.
