It's hard to blog...

...when you wish you had something more to say than more of the same.

But, I pull up our adoption blog and see that 2 months have passed since my last entry. 

Ugh.

2 more months of nothingness here.

At least nothingness is what it feels like inside sometimes.

This past weekend, Scott and I went on a leader retreat with our church. There was a part during the weekend that our pastor taught about life's struggles. He then asked others to share in a moment of lamenting. To which I opened my mouth and the words stumbled out..."our adoption journey, why the wait is sooooo long". And our pastor replied, "Take Heart". 

Take heart? The dictionary states it means to gain courage. Courage...yes, it definitely takes courage to walk this path. For me, I might say my faith has definitely wavered from time to time. From one day to the next, week to week and month to month. Albeit, year to year. 

I happened to pull up our adoption video today. Not sure what made me do it. Mikaela, our summer roommate from a local college, was sitting with me and I wanted to share it with her. Our kids faces look so young. This Fall, it will be 2 years since we did that video. Click if you would like to view it: SNODGRASS ADOPTION VIDEO

2 years.

I will be honest, my eyes rolled and I felt some anger swell up inside as I thought of that number. 

2 years. And what has happened???

But...

this past weekend I was able to shed a few tears with a sister in Christ who is also waiting for a child thru adoption. She confided in me that she has grown tired in this journey. I felt her pain. I FEEL her pain. 

Romans 12:15

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

But...

this past weekend, our pastor prayed over all of us in our church body going thru the adoption journey. He prayed strong words to our Lord. 

James 5:13

"Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful, let him sing praise."

But...

this past weekend, I was reminded that we are not alone. Others are going thru this exact same struggle. And it is GOOD to carry one another's burdens. 

Galatians 6:2

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

But...

He is still God. And I am still His child.

Ephesians 1:5

"He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

But...

we continue to wait on The Lord and His plan for our family.

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Interestingly enough...as I was blogging and referring back to scripture to capture my heart in certain moments above, they were rather random - Googling verses for each. God certainly does work in mysterious ways...as He lead me to Psalm as I was ending my blog post to remind me to "TAKE HEART".

1 Samuel. And my mentor.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." ~1 Samuel 1: 27-28

I met with my mentor today. She's a wonderful woman in so many ways. Mostly I love the way she loves Jesus and pursues Him with all her heart. She pours into so many. She loves with a love that can only come from The Lord. And, she has taken the time to meet with me regularly, so I can gain wisdom from such a Godly woman.

Now, she would say she just loves getting together with others (yes, even me). It's who she is, but truth be told, there are only so many hours to each day. And as much as we would like to spend time with tons of people, that just isn't possible. So, I recognize how valuable time is and I am thankful she gives me some of hers.

I listen. I ask questions. She challenges me in my walk as a wife, mother, daughter of the King. We laugh. Share secrets. I soak up as much as I can in our short - monthly - window of time together. And I do not take it for granted.

She has been sending me scripture she is reading/studying. One being 1 Samuel. She educated me that many women in the Bible "waited" on The Lord for a child. Their wait was always fulfilled with a child, but not just any child. A child that had a heart for God. And a wait of patience that molded the women into who God desired them to be. Because no wait comes without teachable moments, without a molding of our inner selves.

Today, as we sat outside St. Louis Bread Company...it was warm, but we were shaded by the table umbrella. There was a slight breeze that made it feel just about perfect sitting outside (well, other than this one bug that just didn't want to leave me alone). ;) There is something about the outside...you just feel a little closer to the Creator of it all. Today, we opted for waters (instead of our usual coffee) and the conversation past quickly, soaring like the soft breeze beside us. So easy, so natural. She's one of a kind, that's for sure.

She read aloud to me the first chapter in 1 Samuel. I had recently read it and it was good to hear it again. With additional insight as she read through the verses.

In the end, she knows what I am feeling to long for this child. She, too, longed for a child. She knows the sadness and the pain in trying to be patient as you watch the clock tick all the while. 

"Don't miss today, don't miss what's in front of you right now." This is what she told me. While all of us can say everything happens for a reason...we can also all admit that it doesn't sometimes come with some regrets or those "I wish I had done this instead..." At some point along her journey, she had to completely give it over to God. And she did. By His grace, she did. And she was more joyful because of it.

A lot for this mama to ponder. Have I given it to The Lord? Have I "truly" given this to The Lord? I pray. Every single day, I pray. But is my prayer in line with His will for my life? For our household? 

When you are in this process for as long as we have been, you can't help but wonder. You can't help, but question things. "You only need to answer to Jesus". This was her reminder to me. Not to anyone else. Just Him.

My heart is weary. My heart is heavy tonight. My heart has a tug for the orphan that has always been and I believe will always be. But, what does God want me to do with this tug? My desire is to give this to Him. Lord,please hear the cry of my heart ... where you lead, I shall go.